MR. PERFECT - "A Good Man"

So as I am still slaving away at my next “hair-pulling” blog, a thought about the perfect partner came to me. Well actually, I was talking to a very good friend recently and we talked about the state of the current dating scene. And along with this came the discussion of the book by Steve Harvey “Think Like A Man Act Like A Lady”.

Now I’m sure if every one either hasn't heard about or read the book just about everyone has seen the movie of the same name.

There are dozens of women looking for a “Good Man”, (not to mention the men also looking for that good woman) and we all know that there are men out there very willing and ready to take advantage of that woman. Let’s face reality, most of us fall for that façade that is presented, like the beautiful front of a house and then once we get inside are shocked to find rot and mold everywhere. This might be a horrible analogy but it is true. People often tell you just what they know you want to hear and often need to hear. Although often they are prepared to lie outright, usually it’s nothing so blatant and this makes it very difficult for us to see them for what they are.

These façades are formed by mixing enough truth with omission, glossed over facts and a sprinkling of lies. My girlfriend is a really amazing person. She has the credentials of the ideal girlfriend: sweet, funny, and intelligent, up for just about anything (and I mean anything), pretty inside and out, even her sarcasm is hilarious and she is no where near clingy and to top it off a great business woman. But she has the same problem as every other woman out there; finding a decent man that won’t take advantage of these things that make a great.

And she, as well as myself and dozens of women, no matter how intelligent we might be, have been kicked in the proverbial nuts countless times because of being willing to give someone half a chance and by listening to them an providing them with all the space and choice they could possibly need and want allowing nose leading to take place.

The dawn of social media means that dating now largely takes place in cyberspace. In a number ways this is great for most people, especially women.

1.       You get to develop a friendship first

This is important to most mature women, because we all know that physical attraction can only take you so far, if you cannot have talks with your partner, both fun and serious, just being in the same room where no sex takes place for more then 10 minutes would drive you insane.

2.       Getting to know someone well

With developing a friendship comes getting to know and understand how someone thinks and feels before the physical desire takes over which can overshadow things for a while, and we all know that physical attraction can disguise itself as love.

And most important of all,

3.       It’s safe

You don’t have to worry about being sexually assaulted, sold into slavery, or being stalked. If you think the person is a jerk or they just come across as creepy it’s easy to just hit the delete or block button.

But along with these great advantages there are a lot of negatives. Mostly these take the form of FABRICATION.

And I do not mean lying about the way someone looks. Most people are smart enough not to do that but there are other worse things that people can do that can put you in bad, or awkward positions. People lie about their situations, such as employment, financial state and social positions. Although these are usually things we might be able to accept over time. People also lie about their relationship status and that they have chosen to start to build an exclusive relationship with you, especially if on line dating results in a long distance relationship.

Social media dating has produced a number of dating sites, via pc or via your cellphone. Facebook has also become a place to meet ones potential partner and once that step has been taken it’s easy to move from chat rooms to forms such as Whatapp, BBM and E-mail. These forms of dating allows one to cast a wider net in seeking that “perfect” partner but it also means that we will only know what the person allows on their profile and will tell us.

It’s normal to try and make yourself sound more appealing than what you think you might actually be. This is simple human nature but to outright lie is something totally different. These people are fully aware that their situations would never be desirable to a potential partner (or someone they might be looking to extort). There are a lot of men out there who think because some women have chosen to use a dating site that they are desperately seeking someone, anyone, when in truth it’s just easier.

Who wants to pick someone up in a nightclub or bar, no woman with half a brain, and to be fixed-up by one’s friends on blind dates are just painful experiences, usually.

The honest truth is that for most women dating of any kind, online or not, is just one of the biggest pains in life, getting to know someone, sifting though what’s fact and fiction and more often than not finding that you’ve wasted your time is just enough to make one throw in the towel. It is seemingly effortless today to be able to keep up appearances thanks to social media and being able to accumulate large amounts of debt. It has often been noted in my town that people coming from somewhere else will often rent expensive cars to provide the illusion of wealth and success to more easily lure women.

We have often heard the jibe of “gold digger” because of this but realistically every woman wants a man who is ambitious and successful and the easy way to see that is often by possessions. And it does not necessarily mean that the woman is solely after a man’s money, especially if she works hard for her own, she just wants a man who can hold his own.

The point most people, especially men miss from books like Steve Harvey’s and their movie counterparts is that it is pointing out how difficult is for anyone, but women especially, to find that “Good Man”. Everyone has their hang-ups and while everyone is shouting, “you just want to change me”, this is far from the point.

As a woman who have numerous obstacles to overcome, men who have been given everything by their mother’s so that they won’t be replaced, men who are sometime so socially driven that they see nothing else. Men who have no ambition even though they have the greatest potential, men who just don’t want grow up but continue to act like a teen; partying and drinking till early morning hours. All while fighting their own desires not to push to hard for greater commitment or being condemned as wanting to change their partner.

What is asserted in “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady” is that as we women are way to hard on ourselves and way to lenient on our partners or potential partners.

You are a woman! And therefore you have needs, emotional and physical yes. But you need to be logical in achieving your goals. And to get what you want you need to be upfront but tactful in weeding out what will not work. There are men out there looking for something meaningful, yes, but there are more men out there just looking for a good time. Therefore either way the easiest thing to do is to find out exactly who fits under what category.

Steve Harvey makes good points in that when you just meet someone, or are at the first three dates stage that you have the full right, as does the person you’re out with, to know where you stand. And this can be done as stated by Harvey with some simple questions and especially rules for yourself, how do you do this? Well…by finding out what his goals are in life, long term and short term. When a man talks about his long term goals you will know exactly where he sees himself in maybe five years and also if you’d fit into that picture. Does he want kids, is family or work more important to him and of course his dreams. Does he have drive or is he just fine with being stuck were he is.

The other thing that we as women suffer from is the “perfect man” syndrome.

Yes we do! We have this lists of what we believe a man should be like:

·         Loving,

·         Kind,

·         Must love animals,

·         Must earn 6 figures,

·         Must have a house,

·         Must drive a specific car,

·         Etc…..

This list can be long either in physical form or mental. And Steve Harvey is not the first who I’ve heard say “Lower your expectation”. Now when women here this there is an outcry but realistically what is meant by lower your expectations is be REALISTIC.

“Mr PERFECT” does not exist in the concept as we have formed in our minds. You need to decide what is the most important on your list and also look at the pro’s and con’s of what you looking for.

What do I mean?

The things that you deem most important for the type of partner you are looking to have, move these; say four or five, points to the top of the list and either decide to compromise on or disregard the rest.

Then weigh the pro’s and con’s of these point in a realistic list. For example, if you want him to be ambitious understand that there are many nights and days that you might not see him until late or not at all and would you be prepared for this. Not just short term but possibly for the rest of you life?

If not pick something else weight the pro’s and con’s until you have a list that you can live with for the rest of your life, as, after all you’ll have to live with the man that embodies them for that time period.

But to me most important of all, not on the first date but by the 3^rd of 4^th, be open about what you want. State in no uncertain terms what kind of relationship you want. What the end result of the relationship should be for you, especially if its marriage you want.

This might seem drastic to many but with the rise of single women in their 30’s and divorced women some older some younger and single mothers in the dating world it’s often necessary to be blunt. If this scares him off then at least you know you haven’t invested months or years with someone who wasn’t on the same path as you.

And if I know anything, after the first few dates I know if I want to spend more time with someone. So by the forth date if you don’t, stop torturing yourself and move on. Also just so you know, after the first month or two most men know if they want to be serious about a woman or not. And his actions will dictate his feelings, if this is not the case… I repeat, MOVE ON.

Now for my rules!

NEVER date a man who won’t open a door for you! If he’s picking you up, and to me it’s only a proper date if he’s picking you up, and he clicks that alarm or walks to the drivers side with out actually opening the door for you…let those alarm bells ring! To me that’s strike one, if you chose to continue on the date and he isn’t opening doors for you…

To me a man who opens doors for the woman he’s with, especially when taking her out, shows respect, attention and importance. It shows he’s mother raised him right. This also means him not walking you to your door or coming to your door to walk out with you.

If he hasn’t introduced you to his friends by the 1^st month or his parents…forget it, he’s a lost cause. Especially if you’ve asked him to open those doors and why you haven’t met his friends or his mother and he’s given you some excuse that’s your cue to make your graceful exit.

If you are important to a man, he’s talked about you to his parents and his friends and those are the people he’ll want you to meet because how you get along with these people determines his next move on where the relationship is going for him.

A man gives the woman he has plans for a title. What this means is that for the very most after a month he hasn’t given you a title when introducing you to his friends or people he knows (specially other women) then you aren’t important to him. If he is not introducing you as his girlfriend, or a title that amounts to the same thing, especially if you’re introducing him with a title you need to re-evaluate if it’s worth spending more time with him, personally I wouldn’t.

And most important to me! The Cookie!!! Oh yes, the prize of all men. To be blunt, you have it and he wants it but he has to earn it. He has to prove himself worthy of it. It a benefit only you can give and if you are important to him he only wants it from you. One of my dating rules is, no kiss until the after the 3^rd date. He doesn’t even get to hold my hand on the first date so he definitely isn’t getting a kiss. And the cookie well he isn’t getting that until after month one. The longer he’s prepared to wait, the more you know that it just not the Cookie he’s after.

For me these rules for myself shows a man that I value myself, that I deserve respect over all else and that if he isn’t prepared to give me that, because I deserve it. Then he doesn’t deserve me.

There might be dozens of women out there but there is only one you and you are unique and a “Good Man” will know your worth. No matter how successful you are, no matter how well you can compete in a man’s world. Even if you’re a supermom, you are still a woman and that is something to be proud of, and a man will only give you what you require of him. If you do not require him to do anything, give you anything he won’t and you can only require anything of him by setting standards and letting him what it is that you want.

With this goes the concept of the “PERFECT MAN” I mentioned early, there is no such thing as perfect. For me Perfect does not mean that he fits a specific criteria but that he is perfect in understanding you, providing for your needs, not your wants, wants can be achieved over time and together, but it is what you need that truly completes your happiness as a person, for a relationship. This means that if you need monogamy, from him and your require him to provide it he will be perfect for you be fulfilling that need. If he cannot then he is not a “Good Man”. This is how these two concepts are interlinked, if he is a “Good Man” he will be Perfect for you.

And any man who begins to shout that you want to change him might have to evaluate the situation that you place in front of him to solve. A relationship requires certain things and it is her right to have realistic requirement of you and your time with her. A man whose woman is important to him will make the necessary changes to better the situation not just for himself but for his woman as well.