Single Mom "Hustle"

    

Sometimes it seems as if I have been a single mom for a very long time and then I look at my son and realise it’s been no time at all. The time period that I was not a single parent was so short I barely remember it, in truth; maybe it was just my experience but being the mother, the female, the majority of the responsibility seemed to fall more heavily on my shoulders after the birth of my son.

For the most part society still seems to have the idea that the responsibly of children is more the woman’s role than the man. And although there a lot of people who deny that some of us single moms have made the choice to be single moms, in some ways this is true. Out of the vast amount of reasons how a lot of us end up being single mothers, there are those of us who do in some way make the choice to be single.

For me it was both an active decision and not, what I mean by this was that I was not a teenage mom, I was financially independent and when we found out that we were having a baby I was the one to actively make the choice not to get married when he wanted to, I did not feel compelled or an urgent need to tie the knot. I was the one who wanted to wait, at the time the reason I gave myself and others was that there was plenty of time to make it official after the baby but I think the age old adage that as a woman you have a sixth sense is more true in these situations. Of course you don’t always have to pay attention to that little voice and sometimes if you do others might criticise your judgement for the rest of your life but there you have it.

A lot also become single moms, either through divorce or through the breakdown of a relationship with a partner because we won’t just accept that our partner can and often will just do as he pleases. There are a lot of people in this world who seem to forget what having a true life partner and family often means for two people. Nothing in your life is any longer solely just about yourself, about your wants and needs, suddenly it’s about everyone else’s wants needs and feelings too and it is usually not an easy adjustment to make, for either person. Yet somehow in the scheme of single parenthood it often seems that the male half of the equation is the one who seems to fall by the wayside of being able to cope and juggle family life with what the wants and needs of the EGO.

Regardless if the multitude of reasons, in most cases someone chooses to walk away at some point and from that moment the single parent is born.

When you become a single mother people often begin to see you in a VERY different light, you soon realise. Especially if you were the never married version, people now, thankfully, are more excepting of divorce than they were maybe ten or fifteen years ago but the single never married mother still seems to be an “OMG” kind of shame people expect you to have as a single mother. Also being that kind of single mother people seem to have a vast number of misconceptions about you as a person and how your child was conceived. Either you were slut, being that you must have slept with every kind of number of sports teams amount of men, or your child must have been from some kind of one night stand or short-term unsure relationship type experience.

It seems somehow impossible for most people to comprehend that even out of a long term seemingly stable relationship someone didn’t know how to be a parent and partner or that things just fall apart.

People seem to still believe that marriage is the only true kind of validation for a relationship; no one stops to think that this kind of thinking just doesn’t seem to make sense. Even saying that marriage is sanctified by God, in trying to justify why it’s the only kind of validation to relationships isn’t all that sense-filled, to me, and therefore as a direct result any child born not within a marriage is not a “real child” or that that child has no kind of “true identity” because his/her parents were not married. Marriage has never meant that either partner would love one another all the time until the day they died, or show respect for one another, neither has marriage ever guaranteed that people would be faithful to one another. Having a deep sense of faith also does not guarantee these things either. A relationship of any kind married or not, faith-filled or not, depends on the people within the relationship vowing not just to one another but to themselves to maintain, a long list of things that needs to be done within the relationship to maintain it under any kind of circumstances, being in a relationship and true partnership is a choice made by both people not just everyday but every second of any given day. The even harsher truth is that often the things we have to do are things we might really not want to be doing at just that moment.

The irony of how I now see relationships is a direct result of my single parenthood, go figure that one. Having to be, not as people say it; both father and mother, but a 24/7 fully dedicated parent by myself and finding myself watching married couples with children (or without) brought some harsh relationship truths home for me. It forced me not only to look at myself as a person but my views that I had developed on what relationships and marriage were really about. Not all married couples with children want to be married or have a desire to be faithful and fully committed to one another, either both or just one partner in the marriage. Not all married couples are married because this is really the person they wanted to grow old with. Sometimes being the one on the outside, you often hear some very harsh confessions from people you thought were happily married, it’s even more shocking to discover that sometimes in a marriage its only one person who is either happily married or considers themselves happily married.

It was the scariest revelation of my adult life.

Being the single parent who is on duty 24/7 365 days of the year you realise how easy it is to crack, how easy it is to break, how easy it is to lose the person your really are in the misconceptions and probing looks and hurtful whispers you often catch from people. Giving yourself to your child constantly every second of the day you almost always forget that your aren’t just a single parent and most of the time, especially in the beginning with a baby, toddler or very young child you can even forget that you are actually a human being, especially if your ex-partner isn’t very good or helpful at co-parenting. As a single parent there is never a time that you do not feel the strain; financially, physically, emotionally, mentally even your very sanity can be knocked around at times. There is very rarely anyone who can will give you that 5 second breather you desperately need and for all the advice people may give, for all the parenting books that exist in the world every mother will tell you that nothing and no one can every really prepare you for being a mother. Most emotions you could possibly feel live side by side in your heart and mind constantly and often simultaneously. For me being a single mother often these emotions seem to be magnified because it’s just you pulling on both ends of the proverbial rope. Yet somehow, the pride you feel for your child for any reason is also magnified tenfold.

                                           

When you are a single mother you have no doubt been asked the questions, “Where is your child’s father? Is he part of their life? How do explain it to your child? What do you say at school events?”

I know that a lot of women like me feel trepidation at having to be asked questions like this or even having to answer them. I know I did. But I eventually realised, after a number of awkward moments and stuttered attempts to provide answers, that there is no one on this earth except my child to whom I owe any explanation. I also learned that being open and honest with my child about things and trying to give the best explanation possible is easier than I ever thought. Children understand things in ways we don’t realise they do, children are also very perceptive, especially about their parents. Even more important, no one is perfect, not even households where there are two parents, not even a two parent household can always coupe, one can only ever do the best you can.

Even more astonishing, for me, being a single parent become something of a gift. Anyone who has a child knows this, your child is the greatest gift you could ever receive, but for me it has become even more so.

Why? I’m not exactly sure to tell the truth, maybe it’s because you understand the “hustle” better. I know I work harder to be able to give my son not exactly what he wants, even though I quite often do (within reason), but to make sure that he still has the best of what I can provide for him in every sense of the word. I am in a constant state of learning, about myself, my child’s capabilities and not only passing on my own interests but cultivating his, even helping him develop an open mind and a sense of self is often very at odds who I, myself am. You realise that being the parent that they are more often around causes them to absorb your views and either validating or correcting a view point they have without carrying your own prejudices over to them is the most daunting of tasks because you have no other buffer. Then of course there is the listening, it’s something I had to train myself to do, it’s easy just to tune out, I am not always successful and I still do when he’s telling a very long tale, but to actually listen to him, his reasons for not following through with something, for not doing as asked, for being disobedient and then being able to explain my own reasons for why I believe he’s done something wrong or my expectations or my viewpoints might actually thus far have been the greatest challenge that I face daily. As he grows things become easier, and harder, as the old challenges are mastered and new ones crop up.

If I am totally honest about motherhood and single mothers, we aren’t all good or try to always be there for our child or children, there are those that just don’t or have tried and just give up. Some just have no idea or inclination how to do it or how to change who they were before their child came into the world. Because no matter what anyone may tell you it doesn’t just automatically happen when you hold your baby for the first time. It’s an active, cognitive decision you have to make with everything you do and every decision you make. Yes it is somewhat easier when you have a supportive frame work of family and friends but it still comes down to your choices and what you are willing to do at the end of the day.

Yes being a mother is hard; the hardest job in the world but being a single parent is harder.

So next time, you see that single mother, before you judge or point fingers or entertain some or other story about her or even ask questions about how it is that she’s a single parent consider that she is the one who is up most of the night by herself with a sick child or children and no matter how exhausted she is the next day, she is probably on her way to work hard to be able to provide for her household, besides that she probably has sporting events to attend, PTA meeting, shopping to do, homework and supper to attend to and everything else that comes with being a parent and working and she’s doing it all by herself.

                                        

Whether not it was by choice or by a chance of fate it does not matter all that matters is that you acknowledge her “hustle”, see her not only for the amazing mother she most probably is but for the type of strength it takes to be the person she is, to open her eyes everyday and rise to every challenge she meets all by herself. She doesn’t need or require anything else from you except that. 

Series Thoughts

I have been negligent of late with my blog, in actual fact I have not blogged anything in over a year. The truth is life has a tendency to take over when you aren't watching and sadly that happens to often. We get so busy trying to keep up with life that we forget to actually live life.

Most of my free moment of late has been spent watching my little boy sleep, he just turned six so it kind of hit me how fast time just seems to race by, trying to catch up on my reading list; I love horror, mysteries and the macabre side of life, but I often resort to reading histories and those stories which are true and therefore makes them stranger and scarier than fiction. When I'm not doing that I'm also trying to catch up on my favourite TV series, so I've ended up having to start right at the beginning since I lost the plot on most of them and have to "refresh".

Having started on Pretty Little Liars (of which I read the book series and found it unnerving) and having to start from scratch on Vampire Diaries (a book series I just cannot seem to read). I found myself on a road thinking about things that just aren't related but just took root in my mind.

One of which is that as we get older, which is inevitable, we seem to forget that as teens we had secret lives that our parents had no clues about. And that most of us, myself included probably did some very horrible things. Okay nothing like the girls on PLL but still it was fairly underhanded and probably not quite what anyone's parents would approve of. Yes some of us, most of us I hope, outgrow these parts of our lives and probably, given the chance would take a do over (not me though), and might want to do things just a bit differently or not at all. We lie, cheat and effectively steel from others; we strip them of their pride, we steel their emotional well being and happiness. Teen girls are more ruthless than boys, I don't doubt that boys are bad but girls...well we are a completely different kind of species. We are cutthroat when we want something. When a woman wants something, we will manipulate, and use others if we think it will get us exactly what we want. And with today's technological advances, we are more easily able to cyber stalk our so called victims. Anonymously post doctored photos on a myriad of different sites, the idea of just making up a story and running with gossip has taken on a whole different meaning. A terrifying one at that. And sadly the most common reason for these things has still managed to stay about men/boys. I'm not entirely sure why that is. Most men if there is a woman they cannot have for whatever reason, usually if she is dating someone else they will back-off but for some reason there are women out there who see this as a challenge. I've asked myself, why has this become the norm? Historically men where the hunters, so if they relentlessly pursued a woman (we call that stalking by the way), it might be understandable but more and more women seem to have developed this "go-getter" attitude and it sometimes seem just a little scary the things some women resort to. Ideas behind series such as PLL is not that far fetched there, are numerous factual stories about girls being stalked and harassed by other girls, the harassment is often so horrible and escalates to the point where the victim can no longer emotionally handle the humiliation and fear that these people rain down. Whats even scarier is that they have friends who would whole heartily help them. I suppose besides the entertainment value of something like PLL it brings home the point that everyone isn't often exactly what they seem. Even teenage girls, which makes it even more terrifying and cut throat, and highlights the issue that one is hopelessly unable to protect the ones you love.

On a lighter note though, Vampire Diaries is about the ultimate badboy and of course the reformed badboy. As I have said before there is a difference between a badboy and a "dick" and although its not easy to see the difference there is one. But in keeping with the VD theme ( isn't Ian just yummy), here we have two boys/men (whatever) in love with the same girl (again) one is the ultimate, hot sexy badboy slash asshole from hell and the other hot sexy, sweetheart who isn't a wimp either. Cut and dry right? Not quite.

Some will say that series like VD encourage women and in the case of the book series young girls to look for the crazy stalker badboy more asshole type because we think that love will change him. But what we are forgetting is that well written books, and a well directed series is supposed to be there to teach you something, to make you see something more than what is on the surface. This series isn't about the nice girl having enough common sense to choose the good guy, the guy that isn't going to be a jackass and break her heart, its about the ultimate female wetdream...that love can change the world, in this case a man who doesn't seem to be worth saving. Here is a man that starts out being the worst kind of asshole to everyone around him and will do anything to achieve his goals (even through its for a woman he loves, he's still a sick asshole), a dick right?, but then low and behold during the course of the series him loving one woman begins to change him in the most astonishing ways. Of course we are forced to look at how two different kinds of love can affect or influence a person, in a way you say that the series is about an uplifting love and a destroying love. In VD the badboy/asshole became the way he was because the woman he had initially loved had used him and then carelessly cast him aside in the worse way, then with the new kind of love he feels for another (the unnerving and very exact physical copy of his first love) be becomes a better man. The basis of his personality is still there, he will do anything and everything he has to protect her, just not always at the cost of others, because he realises that it is something she wouldn't approve of or want, and that she isn't the only one who loves him. That there are different kinds of love and it can change us in different ways.

But what most of us miss is that pain and heartache can make us horrible and bitter people, the downward transition from being "good" to "bad" is a lot easier than learning to be the better person, but someone cannot just be better, not even a "good" kind of love can make someone be a better person. The only thing that can make anyone be a better person is the person themselves, no other power on earth can change that. And someone wanting us to be better and seeing the better in us can maybe the catalyst for that change but in the end we still have to make the decision for ourselves to pick a path. And it never happens over night, its a process of learning and accepting yourself and your past.

So in the end what it comes down to is that sometimes people are they way they are because of something in  their past, and changing yourself for the better is a choice that needs to be made. Its not something someone else can actually make happen.

MR. PERFECT - "A Good Man"

So as I am still slaving away at my next “hair-pulling” blog, a thought about the perfect partner came to me. Well actually, I was talking to a very good friend recently and we talked about the state of the current dating scene. And along with this came the discussion of the book by Steve Harvey “Think Like A Man Act Like A Lady”.

Now I’m sure if every one either hasn't heard about or read the book just about everyone has seen the movie of the same name.

There are dozens of women looking for a “Good Man”, (not to mention the men also looking for that good woman) and we all know that there are men out there very willing and ready to take advantage of that woman. Let’s face reality, most of us fall for that façade that is presented, like the beautiful front of a house and then once we get inside are shocked to find rot and mold everywhere. This might be a horrible analogy but it is true. People often tell you just what they know you want to hear and often need to hear. Although often they are prepared to lie outright, usually it’s nothing so blatant and this makes it very difficult for us to see them for what they are.

These façades are formed by mixing enough truth with omission, glossed over facts and a sprinkling of lies. My girlfriend is a really amazing person. She has the credentials of the ideal girlfriend: sweet, funny, and intelligent, up for just about anything (and I mean anything), pretty inside and out, even her sarcasm is hilarious and she is no where near clingy and to top it off a great business woman. But she has the same problem as every other woman out there; finding a decent man that won’t take advantage of these things that make a great.

And she, as well as myself and dozens of women, no matter how intelligent we might be, have been kicked in the proverbial nuts countless times because of being willing to give someone half a chance and by listening to them an providing them with all the space and choice they could possibly need and want allowing nose leading to take place.

The dawn of social media means that dating now largely takes place in cyberspace. In a number ways this is great for most people, especially women.

1.       You get to develop a friendship first

This is important to most mature women, because we all know that physical attraction can only take you so far, if you cannot have talks with your partner, both fun and serious, just being in the same room where no sex takes place for more then 10 minutes would drive you insane.

2.       Getting to know someone well

With developing a friendship comes getting to know and understand how someone thinks and feels before the physical desire takes over which can overshadow things for a while, and we all know that physical attraction can disguise itself as love.

And most important of all,

3.       It’s safe

You don’t have to worry about being sexually assaulted, sold into slavery, or being stalked. If you think the person is a jerk or they just come across as creepy it’s easy to just hit the delete or block button.

But along with these great advantages there are a lot of negatives. Mostly these take the form of FABRICATION.

And I do not mean lying about the way someone looks. Most people are smart enough not to do that but there are other worse things that people can do that can put you in bad, or awkward positions. People lie about their situations, such as employment, financial state and social positions. Although these are usually things we might be able to accept over time. People also lie about their relationship status and that they have chosen to start to build an exclusive relationship with you, especially if on line dating results in a long distance relationship.

Social media dating has produced a number of dating sites, via pc or via your cellphone. Facebook has also become a place to meet ones potential partner and once that step has been taken it’s easy to move from chat rooms to forms such as Whatapp, BBM and E-mail. These forms of dating allows one to cast a wider net in seeking that “perfect” partner but it also means that we will only know what the person allows on their profile and will tell us.

It’s normal to try and make yourself sound more appealing than what you think you might actually be. This is simple human nature but to outright lie is something totally different. These people are fully aware that their situations would never be desirable to a potential partner (or someone they might be looking to extort). There are a lot of men out there who think because some women have chosen to use a dating site that they are desperately seeking someone, anyone, when in truth it’s just easier.

Who wants to pick someone up in a nightclub or bar, no woman with half a brain, and to be fixed-up by one’s friends on blind dates are just painful experiences, usually.

The honest truth is that for most women dating of any kind, online or not, is just one of the biggest pains in life, getting to know someone, sifting though what’s fact and fiction and more often than not finding that you’ve wasted your time is just enough to make one throw in the towel. It is seemingly effortless today to be able to keep up appearances thanks to social media and being able to accumulate large amounts of debt. It has often been noted in my town that people coming from somewhere else will often rent expensive cars to provide the illusion of wealth and success to more easily lure women.

We have often heard the jibe of “gold digger” because of this but realistically every woman wants a man who is ambitious and successful and the easy way to see that is often by possessions. And it does not necessarily mean that the woman is solely after a man’s money, especially if she works hard for her own, she just wants a man who can hold his own.

The point most people, especially men miss from books like Steve Harvey’s and their movie counterparts is that it is pointing out how difficult is for anyone, but women especially, to find that “Good Man”. Everyone has their hang-ups and while everyone is shouting, “you just want to change me”, this is far from the point.

As a woman who have numerous obstacles to overcome, men who have been given everything by their mother’s so that they won’t be replaced, men who are sometime so socially driven that they see nothing else. Men who have no ambition even though they have the greatest potential, men who just don’t want grow up but continue to act like a teen; partying and drinking till early morning hours. All while fighting their own desires not to push to hard for greater commitment or being condemned as wanting to change their partner.

What is asserted in “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady” is that as we women are way to hard on ourselves and way to lenient on our partners or potential partners.

You are a woman! And therefore you have needs, emotional and physical yes. But you need to be logical in achieving your goals. And to get what you want you need to be upfront but tactful in weeding out what will not work. There are men out there looking for something meaningful, yes, but there are more men out there just looking for a good time. Therefore either way the easiest thing to do is to find out exactly who fits under what category.

Steve Harvey makes good points in that when you just meet someone, or are at the first three dates stage that you have the full right, as does the person you’re out with, to know where you stand. And this can be done as stated by Harvey with some simple questions and especially rules for yourself, how do you do this? Well…by finding out what his goals are in life, long term and short term. When a man talks about his long term goals you will know exactly where he sees himself in maybe five years and also if you’d fit into that picture. Does he want kids, is family or work more important to him and of course his dreams. Does he have drive or is he just fine with being stuck were he is.

The other thing that we as women suffer from is the “perfect man” syndrome.

Yes we do! We have this lists of what we believe a man should be like:

·         Loving,

·         Kind,

·         Must love animals,

·         Must earn 6 figures,

·         Must have a house,

·         Must drive a specific car,

·         Etc…..

This list can be long either in physical form or mental. And Steve Harvey is not the first who I’ve heard say “Lower your expectation”. Now when women here this there is an outcry but realistically what is meant by lower your expectations is be REALISTIC.

“Mr PERFECT” does not exist in the concept as we have formed in our minds. You need to decide what is the most important on your list and also look at the pro’s and con’s of what you looking for.

What do I mean?

The things that you deem most important for the type of partner you are looking to have, move these; say four or five, points to the top of the list and either decide to compromise on or disregard the rest.

Then weigh the pro’s and con’s of these point in a realistic list. For example, if you want him to be ambitious understand that there are many nights and days that you might not see him until late or not at all and would you be prepared for this. Not just short term but possibly for the rest of you life?

If not pick something else weight the pro’s and con’s until you have a list that you can live with for the rest of your life, as, after all you’ll have to live with the man that embodies them for that time period.

But to me most important of all, not on the first date but by the 3^rd of 4^th, be open about what you want. State in no uncertain terms what kind of relationship you want. What the end result of the relationship should be for you, especially if its marriage you want.

This might seem drastic to many but with the rise of single women in their 30’s and divorced women some older some younger and single mothers in the dating world it’s often necessary to be blunt. If this scares him off then at least you know you haven’t invested months or years with someone who wasn’t on the same path as you.

And if I know anything, after the first few dates I know if I want to spend more time with someone. So by the forth date if you don’t, stop torturing yourself and move on. Also just so you know, after the first month or two most men know if they want to be serious about a woman or not. And his actions will dictate his feelings, if this is not the case… I repeat, MOVE ON.

Now for my rules!

NEVER date a man who won’t open a door for you! If he’s picking you up, and to me it’s only a proper date if he’s picking you up, and he clicks that alarm or walks to the drivers side with out actually opening the door for you…let those alarm bells ring! To me that’s strike one, if you chose to continue on the date and he isn’t opening doors for you…

To me a man who opens doors for the woman he’s with, especially when taking her out, shows respect, attention and importance. It shows he’s mother raised him right. This also means him not walking you to your door or coming to your door to walk out with you.

If he hasn’t introduced you to his friends by the 1^st month or his parents…forget it, he’s a lost cause. Especially if you’ve asked him to open those doors and why you haven’t met his friends or his mother and he’s given you some excuse that’s your cue to make your graceful exit.

If you are important to a man, he’s talked about you to his parents and his friends and those are the people he’ll want you to meet because how you get along with these people determines his next move on where the relationship is going for him.

A man gives the woman he has plans for a title. What this means is that for the very most after a month he hasn’t given you a title when introducing you to his friends or people he knows (specially other women) then you aren’t important to him. If he is not introducing you as his girlfriend, or a title that amounts to the same thing, especially if you’re introducing him with a title you need to re-evaluate if it’s worth spending more time with him, personally I wouldn’t.

And most important to me! The Cookie!!! Oh yes, the prize of all men. To be blunt, you have it and he wants it but he has to earn it. He has to prove himself worthy of it. It a benefit only you can give and if you are important to him he only wants it from you. One of my dating rules is, no kiss until the after the 3^rd date. He doesn’t even get to hold my hand on the first date so he definitely isn’t getting a kiss. And the cookie well he isn’t getting that until after month one. The longer he’s prepared to wait, the more you know that it just not the Cookie he’s after.

For me these rules for myself shows a man that I value myself, that I deserve respect over all else and that if he isn’t prepared to give me that, because I deserve it. Then he doesn’t deserve me.

There might be dozens of women out there but there is only one you and you are unique and a “Good Man” will know your worth. No matter how successful you are, no matter how well you can compete in a man’s world. Even if you’re a supermom, you are still a woman and that is something to be proud of, and a man will only give you what you require of him. If you do not require him to do anything, give you anything he won’t and you can only require anything of him by setting standards and letting him what it is that you want.

With this goes the concept of the “PERFECT MAN” I mentioned early, there is no such thing as perfect. For me Perfect does not mean that he fits a specific criteria but that he is perfect in understanding you, providing for your needs, not your wants, wants can be achieved over time and together, but it is what you need that truly completes your happiness as a person, for a relationship. This means that if you need monogamy, from him and your require him to provide it he will be perfect for you be fulfilling that need. If he cannot then he is not a “Good Man”. This is how these two concepts are interlinked, if he is a “Good Man” he will be Perfect for you.

And any man who begins to shout that you want to change him might have to evaluate the situation that you place in front of him to solve. A relationship requires certain things and it is her right to have realistic requirement of you and your time with her. A man whose woman is important to him will make the necessary changes to better the situation not just for himself but for his woman as well.