Single Mom "Hustle"

    

Sometimes it seems as if I have been a single mom for a very long time and then I look at my son and realise it’s been no time at all. The time period that I was not a single parent was so short I barely remember it, in truth; maybe it was just my experience but being the mother, the female, the majority of the responsibility seemed to fall more heavily on my shoulders after the birth of my son.

For the most part society still seems to have the idea that the responsibly of children is more the woman’s role than the man. And although there a lot of people who deny that some of us single moms have made the choice to be single moms, in some ways this is true. Out of the vast amount of reasons how a lot of us end up being single mothers, there are those of us who do in some way make the choice to be single.

For me it was both an active decision and not, what I mean by this was that I was not a teenage mom, I was financially independent and when we found out that we were having a baby I was the one to actively make the choice not to get married when he wanted to, I did not feel compelled or an urgent need to tie the knot. I was the one who wanted to wait, at the time the reason I gave myself and others was that there was plenty of time to make it official after the baby but I think the age old adage that as a woman you have a sixth sense is more true in these situations. Of course you don’t always have to pay attention to that little voice and sometimes if you do others might criticise your judgement for the rest of your life but there you have it.

A lot also become single moms, either through divorce or through the breakdown of a relationship with a partner because we won’t just accept that our partner can and often will just do as he pleases. There are a lot of people in this world who seem to forget what having a true life partner and family often means for two people. Nothing in your life is any longer solely just about yourself, about your wants and needs, suddenly it’s about everyone else’s wants needs and feelings too and it is usually not an easy adjustment to make, for either person. Yet somehow in the scheme of single parenthood it often seems that the male half of the equation is the one who seems to fall by the wayside of being able to cope and juggle family life with what the wants and needs of the EGO.

Regardless if the multitude of reasons, in most cases someone chooses to walk away at some point and from that moment the single parent is born.

When you become a single mother people often begin to see you in a VERY different light, you soon realise. Especially if you were the never married version, people now, thankfully, are more excepting of divorce than they were maybe ten or fifteen years ago but the single never married mother still seems to be an “OMG” kind of shame people expect you to have as a single mother. Also being that kind of single mother people seem to have a vast number of misconceptions about you as a person and how your child was conceived. Either you were slut, being that you must have slept with every kind of number of sports teams amount of men, or your child must have been from some kind of one night stand or short-term unsure relationship type experience.

It seems somehow impossible for most people to comprehend that even out of a long term seemingly stable relationship someone didn’t know how to be a parent and partner or that things just fall apart.

People seem to still believe that marriage is the only true kind of validation for a relationship; no one stops to think that this kind of thinking just doesn’t seem to make sense. Even saying that marriage is sanctified by God, in trying to justify why it’s the only kind of validation to relationships isn’t all that sense-filled, to me, and therefore as a direct result any child born not within a marriage is not a “real child” or that that child has no kind of “true identity” because his/her parents were not married. Marriage has never meant that either partner would love one another all the time until the day they died, or show respect for one another, neither has marriage ever guaranteed that people would be faithful to one another. Having a deep sense of faith also does not guarantee these things either. A relationship of any kind married or not, faith-filled or not, depends on the people within the relationship vowing not just to one another but to themselves to maintain, a long list of things that needs to be done within the relationship to maintain it under any kind of circumstances, being in a relationship and true partnership is a choice made by both people not just everyday but every second of any given day. The even harsher truth is that often the things we have to do are things we might really not want to be doing at just that moment.

The irony of how I now see relationships is a direct result of my single parenthood, go figure that one. Having to be, not as people say it; both father and mother, but a 24/7 fully dedicated parent by myself and finding myself watching married couples with children (or without) brought some harsh relationship truths home for me. It forced me not only to look at myself as a person but my views that I had developed on what relationships and marriage were really about. Not all married couples with children want to be married or have a desire to be faithful and fully committed to one another, either both or just one partner in the marriage. Not all married couples are married because this is really the person they wanted to grow old with. Sometimes being the one on the outside, you often hear some very harsh confessions from people you thought were happily married, it’s even more shocking to discover that sometimes in a marriage its only one person who is either happily married or considers themselves happily married.

It was the scariest revelation of my adult life.

Being the single parent who is on duty 24/7 365 days of the year you realise how easy it is to crack, how easy it is to break, how easy it is to lose the person your really are in the misconceptions and probing looks and hurtful whispers you often catch from people. Giving yourself to your child constantly every second of the day you almost always forget that your aren’t just a single parent and most of the time, especially in the beginning with a baby, toddler or very young child you can even forget that you are actually a human being, especially if your ex-partner isn’t very good or helpful at co-parenting. As a single parent there is never a time that you do not feel the strain; financially, physically, emotionally, mentally even your very sanity can be knocked around at times. There is very rarely anyone who can will give you that 5 second breather you desperately need and for all the advice people may give, for all the parenting books that exist in the world every mother will tell you that nothing and no one can every really prepare you for being a mother. Most emotions you could possibly feel live side by side in your heart and mind constantly and often simultaneously. For me being a single mother often these emotions seem to be magnified because it’s just you pulling on both ends of the proverbial rope. Yet somehow, the pride you feel for your child for any reason is also magnified tenfold.

                                           

When you are a single mother you have no doubt been asked the questions, “Where is your child’s father? Is he part of their life? How do explain it to your child? What do you say at school events?”

I know that a lot of women like me feel trepidation at having to be asked questions like this or even having to answer them. I know I did. But I eventually realised, after a number of awkward moments and stuttered attempts to provide answers, that there is no one on this earth except my child to whom I owe any explanation. I also learned that being open and honest with my child about things and trying to give the best explanation possible is easier than I ever thought. Children understand things in ways we don’t realise they do, children are also very perceptive, especially about their parents. Even more important, no one is perfect, not even households where there are two parents, not even a two parent household can always coupe, one can only ever do the best you can.

Even more astonishing, for me, being a single parent become something of a gift. Anyone who has a child knows this, your child is the greatest gift you could ever receive, but for me it has become even more so.

Why? I’m not exactly sure to tell the truth, maybe it’s because you understand the “hustle” better. I know I work harder to be able to give my son not exactly what he wants, even though I quite often do (within reason), but to make sure that he still has the best of what I can provide for him in every sense of the word. I am in a constant state of learning, about myself, my child’s capabilities and not only passing on my own interests but cultivating his, even helping him develop an open mind and a sense of self is often very at odds who I, myself am. You realise that being the parent that they are more often around causes them to absorb your views and either validating or correcting a view point they have without carrying your own prejudices over to them is the most daunting of tasks because you have no other buffer. Then of course there is the listening, it’s something I had to train myself to do, it’s easy just to tune out, I am not always successful and I still do when he’s telling a very long tale, but to actually listen to him, his reasons for not following through with something, for not doing as asked, for being disobedient and then being able to explain my own reasons for why I believe he’s done something wrong or my expectations or my viewpoints might actually thus far have been the greatest challenge that I face daily. As he grows things become easier, and harder, as the old challenges are mastered and new ones crop up.

If I am totally honest about motherhood and single mothers, we aren’t all good or try to always be there for our child or children, there are those that just don’t or have tried and just give up. Some just have no idea or inclination how to do it or how to change who they were before their child came into the world. Because no matter what anyone may tell you it doesn’t just automatically happen when you hold your baby for the first time. It’s an active, cognitive decision you have to make with everything you do and every decision you make. Yes it is somewhat easier when you have a supportive frame work of family and friends but it still comes down to your choices and what you are willing to do at the end of the day.

Yes being a mother is hard; the hardest job in the world but being a single parent is harder.

So next time, you see that single mother, before you judge or point fingers or entertain some or other story about her or even ask questions about how it is that she’s a single parent consider that she is the one who is up most of the night by herself with a sick child or children and no matter how exhausted she is the next day, she is probably on her way to work hard to be able to provide for her household, besides that she probably has sporting events to attend, PTA meeting, shopping to do, homework and supper to attend to and everything else that comes with being a parent and working and she’s doing it all by herself.

                                        

Whether not it was by choice or by a chance of fate it does not matter all that matters is that you acknowledge her “hustle”, see her not only for the amazing mother she most probably is but for the type of strength it takes to be the person she is, to open her eyes everyday and rise to every challenge she meets all by herself. She doesn’t need or require anything else from you except that.