So I am a great believer in Feminism. But maybe not
a traditional feminist in the sense of the word. Some see a traditional feminist
as a bra-burning, do not dress sexy in your face bitch. But most feminists might
say its empowering a woman do be herself and be successful in all that she
does.
Yet some feminists take a very critical approach to the choices some women make, especially public figures, stating that their actions either set women back or only portray women as sex objects. In the media, lately, there has been a great deal of bashing for the wives/or partners of men in the public eye or those women in the public eye who chose to stand by their partner after it has been discovered that they are cheating. The women have been literally “word bashed” around the ears for making the choice to remain and support the family life when it is felt that they should be telling the “cheating bastard” to go to hell.
Like wise for female public figures such as Miley Cyrus, who has saturated the press recently, as well as Madonna in the past, for having extremely graphic music videos, songs or posing either completely or partially nude in photo’s for various magazines, stating that they too have set women back as they portray themselves as nothing but sex objects.
Just today I read a piece of writing about dating, which stated that writers such as Steve Harvey in his book “Think like a man, Act like a Lady” gave the impression that it is a woman’s fault for not knowing how or what a man is thinking. This article was in response to a number of books by women in the public eye not only on dating but on married life, read here, now I don’t find fault in what the author has stated about so much dating /relationship advice that is out there being bad. Hell I don’t deny that at all, I have come across some doozies of really bad advice in my time (short though it might be). Lets face it, no matter how grown-up we are or feel there are times when we just need help in figuring out our why our partner does what it is that they do or how to deal with something happening in our relationship. And in that there is absolutely nothing wrong. We don’t always know just what to do and when to do it, there is nothing wrong with asking for some advice or some help. It’s just at times we have to be careful who we actually ask advice from or whose advice we actually decide to follow.
One would think that the guy who is a total hound dog would just give really bad advice about dating but you’d be surprised how many womanisers out there would tell a guy how important it is to appreciate the woman in his life and not mess around, especially if that woman is a “good woman”. You would also be surprised how many married men give other men really bad relationship advice. The same goes for women. It’s easy to tell a heartbroken girlfriend whose “love of her life” has broke her heart yet again or who as been discovered to be cheating to “just leave him” cause it’s what you would do. Or as men tell their friend, “leave the cheating whore, you don’t need that shit. Screw her there’s better out their”. Then at some later point you find yourself in that same situation and you end up doing the exact opposite of the advice you gave.
No one is perfect and we cannot know how we’ll truly handle a situation until we’ve lived through it ourself. Many who have actually been through the decision to end a relationship because of infidelity truly knows the ground shaking turmoil involved for making the decision. Leaving is hard but staying is just as hard, there is nothing easy in it actually. Either way it’s a decision that one has to live with, sometimes leaving does have the disadvantage of opening the door to “what-if”, which is another huge pain in the behind. That “what-if” no matter what it entails can often drive one crazy, unless you have absolutely no doubts what-so-ever and there are very few people in the world who have the privilege of that.
Some forms of advice we receive is valid for every situation while others are moment specific. The worst part is if one friend asks what they should do and not only are you their friend but friends with their partner. It’s the worse feeling to know that someone needs you but in many occasions you’re damned if you do damned if you don’t.
A few years ago I found myself in that exact situation, all I could tell my best friend when she decided to get a divorce was something I tell quite a few of my friends when they ask me (as if I’m so knowledgeable). I always say more or less the same thing:
Take time to yourself, weigh everything, you’ve been together for a very long time and it’s not a decision to make lightly or easily. Yes the state of things are not at their greatest or even best but it is a decision that will change your life and many others. But if beyond a shadow of a doubt you feel at peace with what you decide to do, then you do it because it means that that is the road you need to follow for yourself. And it has to be for yourself because you are the one who has to live with the decision no one else. But if for any moment, just one second you doubt yourself, second guess yourself even if it is what you should or need to do for just a split second, then it’s probably something you should not be doing.
And to her husband when he asked me I simply said:
All you can do is state your case, tell her how you feel and show her in everyway you can think of that you love her, but if she decides to leave then there is nothing you can do to stop
it from happening. When someone decides to not be with someone in their heart they have already left even if they are there physically but the most important part of what makes a relationship, the soul, is already gone. Then if you love her, have respect for her and what once was. You let her walk away and do the best you can to get through everyday until it doesn’t hurt as much and them one day it will be just a sweet memory of what was.
And even though it was the most painful thing I could have done because I knew that if I told my girlfriend to stay she probably would have. Sometimes advice is not telling someone what they should or should not be doing but saying only you know what is best for you but whatever happens I am here for you and will not judge whether or not I agree with how you chose to do whatever it is you feel you need to do.
That for me is advice.
As far as I am concerned most people already know what they want or need to do but are afraid to actually either go through with it or are terrified of admitting that this is what they want, all they need is someone to stand beside them while they make the decision more like a sounding board so that they are able to verbally make sense of what is already a completely formed thought.
Then as far as some books are concerned of how women should or covertly want to be treated, either publicly or privately is for no one man to EVER tell another man. Each woman is different and each as their own secret desires and personal needs. The only way to know what anyone wants to ask and actually, not only hear with you ears, but listen with your heart and you brain. See with your eyes and soul and touch with you fingers, body and being. Only then can you understand the needs of you partner and once you understand their needs then you are about to provide what they want. Emotionally, physically and intellectually. All there three are very important to all women.
Now as for Mr. Harvey!
Well I thoroughly enjoyed his book and personally I don’t think he ever intended for women to feel that they should blame themselves for a relationship not working because they don’t know how their partner thinks or that he expects a woman to know this to make her relationship work.
I believe that his aim was, given that he is a father of girls as well, and a man, to show women how men think so that they would not fall into the trap that if they do certain things they will be able to keep him. I believe he wanted to guide women so that they would not be waiting for a man that did not deserve them.
After all we all deserve to be happy either with a partner we chose or by ourselves.
Yet some feminists take a very critical approach to the choices some women make, especially public figures, stating that their actions either set women back or only portray women as sex objects. In the media, lately, there has been a great deal of bashing for the wives/or partners of men in the public eye or those women in the public eye who chose to stand by their partner after it has been discovered that they are cheating. The women have been literally “word bashed” around the ears for making the choice to remain and support the family life when it is felt that they should be telling the “cheating bastard” to go to hell.
Like wise for female public figures such as Miley Cyrus, who has saturated the press recently, as well as Madonna in the past, for having extremely graphic music videos, songs or posing either completely or partially nude in photo’s for various magazines, stating that they too have set women back as they portray themselves as nothing but sex objects.
Just today I read a piece of writing about dating, which stated that writers such as Steve Harvey in his book “Think like a man, Act like a Lady” gave the impression that it is a woman’s fault for not knowing how or what a man is thinking. This article was in response to a number of books by women in the public eye not only on dating but on married life, read here, now I don’t find fault in what the author has stated about so much dating /relationship advice that is out there being bad. Hell I don’t deny that at all, I have come across some doozies of really bad advice in my time (short though it might be). Lets face it, no matter how grown-up we are or feel there are times when we just need help in figuring out our why our partner does what it is that they do or how to deal with something happening in our relationship. And in that there is absolutely nothing wrong. We don’t always know just what to do and when to do it, there is nothing wrong with asking for some advice or some help. It’s just at times we have to be careful who we actually ask advice from or whose advice we actually decide to follow.
One would think that the guy who is a total hound dog would just give really bad advice about dating but you’d be surprised how many womanisers out there would tell a guy how important it is to appreciate the woman in his life and not mess around, especially if that woman is a “good woman”. You would also be surprised how many married men give other men really bad relationship advice. The same goes for women. It’s easy to tell a heartbroken girlfriend whose “love of her life” has broke her heart yet again or who as been discovered to be cheating to “just leave him” cause it’s what you would do. Or as men tell their friend, “leave the cheating whore, you don’t need that shit. Screw her there’s better out their”. Then at some later point you find yourself in that same situation and you end up doing the exact opposite of the advice you gave.
No one is perfect and we cannot know how we’ll truly handle a situation until we’ve lived through it ourself. Many who have actually been through the decision to end a relationship because of infidelity truly knows the ground shaking turmoil involved for making the decision. Leaving is hard but staying is just as hard, there is nothing easy in it actually. Either way it’s a decision that one has to live with, sometimes leaving does have the disadvantage of opening the door to “what-if”, which is another huge pain in the behind. That “what-if” no matter what it entails can often drive one crazy, unless you have absolutely no doubts what-so-ever and there are very few people in the world who have the privilege of that.
Some forms of advice we receive is valid for every situation while others are moment specific. The worst part is if one friend asks what they should do and not only are you their friend but friends with their partner. It’s the worse feeling to know that someone needs you but in many occasions you’re damned if you do damned if you don’t.
A few years ago I found myself in that exact situation, all I could tell my best friend when she decided to get a divorce was something I tell quite a few of my friends when they ask me (as if I’m so knowledgeable). I always say more or less the same thing:
Take time to yourself, weigh everything, you’ve been together for a very long time and it’s not a decision to make lightly or easily. Yes the state of things are not at their greatest or even best but it is a decision that will change your life and many others. But if beyond a shadow of a doubt you feel at peace with what you decide to do, then you do it because it means that that is the road you need to follow for yourself. And it has to be for yourself because you are the one who has to live with the decision no one else. But if for any moment, just one second you doubt yourself, second guess yourself even if it is what you should or need to do for just a split second, then it’s probably something you should not be doing.
And to her husband when he asked me I simply said:
All you can do is state your case, tell her how you feel and show her in everyway you can think of that you love her, but if she decides to leave then there is nothing you can do to stop
it from happening. When someone decides to not be with someone in their heart they have already left even if they are there physically but the most important part of what makes a relationship, the soul, is already gone. Then if you love her, have respect for her and what once was. You let her walk away and do the best you can to get through everyday until it doesn’t hurt as much and them one day it will be just a sweet memory of what was.
And even though it was the most painful thing I could have done because I knew that if I told my girlfriend to stay she probably would have. Sometimes advice is not telling someone what they should or should not be doing but saying only you know what is best for you but whatever happens I am here for you and will not judge whether or not I agree with how you chose to do whatever it is you feel you need to do.
That for me is advice.
As far as I am concerned most people already know what they want or need to do but are afraid to actually either go through with it or are terrified of admitting that this is what they want, all they need is someone to stand beside them while they make the decision more like a sounding board so that they are able to verbally make sense of what is already a completely formed thought.
Then as far as some books are concerned of how women should or covertly want to be treated, either publicly or privately is for no one man to EVER tell another man. Each woman is different and each as their own secret desires and personal needs. The only way to know what anyone wants to ask and actually, not only hear with you ears, but listen with your heart and you brain. See with your eyes and soul and touch with you fingers, body and being. Only then can you understand the needs of you partner and once you understand their needs then you are about to provide what they want. Emotionally, physically and intellectually. All there three are very important to all women.
Now as for Mr. Harvey!
Well I thoroughly enjoyed his book and personally I don’t think he ever intended for women to feel that they should blame themselves for a relationship not working because they don’t know how their partner thinks or that he expects a woman to know this to make her relationship work.
I believe that his aim was, given that he is a father of girls as well, and a man, to show women how men think so that they would not fall into the trap that if they do certain things they will be able to keep him. I believe he wanted to guide women so that they would not be waiting for a man that did not deserve them.
After all we all deserve to be happy either with a partner we chose or by ourselves.
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