So I am fully aware that on occasion, OK, more
often than that, the way I view people and certain situations can be a bit
depressing. Fine I admit it more than a bit. I don’t mean to be. It is just
unfortunate for the masses that sometimes my ideas strike a sour cord for
them.
Recently I had an interesting discussion with someone about how others ideas and reactions can influence ours. And let’s face it; the truth of the matter is it does. Sometimes we do this consciously and sometimes sub-consciously, everything we do is usually affected by our desire to please others or to fit into the mold we think we should fit into, i.e the persons we think others think we should be.
Often this forms in the choices of the types of work we choose, the cars we drive the people we choose to date and befriend. We chalk the choices we make up to the following reasons. We need to earn the good salary, wanting people to know we are successful. Wanting the happy family (or what appears to be the happy family), wanting to be able to be the top dog with bragging rights at any occasion (we want to compete against family, against friends) about our better partner, house, possessions and so on. In many ways we are all selfish and petty. If we take some time and think about it how often has a friend told you about their good fortune and instead of just been plain old honest-to-God happy for them, do we either find a reason to outdo their happy moment or bring them down in some way. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that we do this all the time and are incapable of genuine happiness on the behalf of others but truth be told is that the petty feelings do shine through more often than not. We more often than not conform and are not fully who we really are. Hiding behind different face to suit the situation on relationships and associations. Not treating people the way we really feel about them.
Have you ever bought new cloths and been very happy with the way you look and a sister or girlfriend shoots you down but when you look at yourself in the mirror you honestly do look good. But instead of questioning their motives we accept it as truth as why would anyone who cares about us want to put us down. The important thing that we don’t realize is that although someone might like us and or care for our well being it does not make them impervious to being jealous. And often people just want to posses or use you for their own reasons but it does not mean that they do care. Still others do not have much of a choice to have you in their lives so even if they don’t like you they will not come out and openly just not like you. No that is just not done, so they pretend, as a result the minute an opportunity arises to put you down in some way they jump on it like a dog in heat.
So let’s touch on important roles in our lives; Friendships and Relationships with a chosen partner.
I say these are important because these are the people you choose to have in your life so they are in essence the most important. For most women having a good friend especially a good girlfriend is like having another sister you actually don’t want to kill every other day. Now these relationships are important because these or this (depending on how many close girlfriends you have) are the people/person that will dry your eyes when a relationship fails (again) and assure that it was not your fault and the guy was a jackass even when they know you were not completely innocent. They serve the necessary purpose and role of boosting our ego when we need it and on occasion being painfully honest. But you will find that there are those girlfriends that tend to give the double edged compliment or the sarcastic reply when asked a question, I am not saying that it is always done with the intention to bring you down, sometimes it just does happen without them meaning to but most others, are plain downright malicious. A true friend will give their honest opinion without any hint of underlying malice. So listen carefully when your friends talk to you because maybe that malicious or sarcastic comment is not just part of their nature but the true green-eyed monster shining through. Someone who truly loves you, this goes not only just for friends but that special someone in your life, might not always agree with your views or way of doing things or even the choices you make but will stand by you none-the-less. They are the ones who you can tell your deepest darkest secrets and know that whether they are disappointed in you or not they will still love you and accept that it is your choice; your true friend, when that choice you made goes south, will sit beside you handing you tissues to dry your eyes and just being there silently lending you strength, they are the ones that will cheer you on, even when they didn't think your choice was right, and happily punch anyone in the face for telling you off about your choice no matter what they really think.
But those people with the glint in their eye, the sarcastic compliments, and malicious smile no matter the sweet and encouraging words out of their mouth are not your friends. They are the ones who you sadly need to keep at arm’s length. It is not something pleasant that we want to think about, that the people we care about might not actually care for us nearly as much but this is the unfortunate truth about being a human being.
Now for our significant other.
I have been doing research for some time now for a story, a comedy if you will, to some extent it is tragic and in others quite uplifting. While doing the research I received e-mails on relationship advice. These e-mails along with my research made me realise a number of things. Some things that are not always the most pleasant to think about yet once they surface in your mind you can never fully get rid of the thought. It gets stuck like the proverbial leach.
Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that it is never cut and dry. There are so much Grey in-between the black and white areas that you could never sort though it all. A relationship is a quagmire of wants, needs and expectation to be met and fulfilled. There is nothing wrong in this. We all have the right to have these things realized. But what we must first understand is that there are various types of relationships.
The traditional
girlfriend/boyfriend
fiancé
husband/wife
Boy meets girl, after some time of tribulation it advances to a diamond ring, and the most official of relationships… marriage. Right? Not always. These three are the most basic of the relationships and although traditional, not all there is.
Now relationships can be broken-down into many more complicated structures.
Friends with benefits (FwB)
The mistress (whether married or in a committed relationship)
What I like to call the “forever engaged”
The relationship of convenience
And the relationship of power.
There are others but these are the most common today from some of my own personal observations (my opinion and I am by no means a professional).
Each of these relationships has their own complications and often do become very difficult.
Most think that fwb is something very uncomplicated and relaxed get what you want and get out when you no longer want it. And it can work that way should neither of the parties involved develop feeling but often where there is physical attraction it can lead to emotional want. Also unless you can be sure you are your partner’s only “booty-call” that can be another kettle of fish of problems that you just do not want to deal with. If you’re lucky it will be a mutual emotional want but it doesn’t happen often. And unfortunately usually it’s the female that does the falling as a large number of women connect physical attraction to emotional want and this can confuse matters and make the situation awkward. Now ladies if you’ve agreed to a fwb arrangement you can do one or two thing should you develop feelings:
Say something to your benefit buddy or
Watch what he does
The first one is easiest, just tell him that you want more from the relationship than what is currently is and if he says no shake hands and work away as fast as you 6inch heels can carry you. Make sure your cloths stayed on during the entire conversation, as having to get dressed first prevents you from making a stylish exit. And why I say heels is because you want him to remember hot sex in heels walking away. Don’t beg or plead or become needy and clingy it won’t make him want more. It will have the opposite effect. And if he never calls you again (never accept an “I want you text” message, nothing less than a phone call will do) if he wants you badly enough a text will not be good enough for him.
Watching what he does is a bit more complicated, it means that you have to watch what he does with an unbiased eye. What it basically comes down to is- does he chase you. A text saying “how about tonight” just does not cut it. He has to want to hear from you. Texting or calling just to say “hi”. Does he make an effort to just drop by to see you. Does he do things that will make you laugh. As I said effort on his part denotes interest, real interest. If not, either say nothing if you just want to keep the sex going or as stated above kick you high heels into high gear and get to running. I don’t think there is a problem with a relationship of this type, a woman has the right to be exactly like a man but we still need to keep in mind that due to having a vagina we are the ones who get the bad rep not the guy. You are supposed to keep that locked down for the one special person (eye roll), only problem is that you meet a guy and he seems to be the one until he visits naughty island and turns into a jackass. I take it that the best thing to do in a situation like this is for the very least be smart about the fwb you choose. He should for the very least have integrity, meaning that you should be sure that he will never talk about it and he’ll be vague about the type of relationship the two of you had. And please for the love-of-all-things-sane no photo’s and videos that is beyond the dumbest thing you could ever do with any guy had hasn’t put a gold band on your finger.
So moving on…what happens if one of the people is a fwb in a relationship?
Enter the mistress, male or female it does not matter, this situation…is quite interesting, it could be seen as the more complicated adult version of friends with benefits. Sometimes this is just a physical attraction but usually I’m afraid this is a very emotional connection on the part of one or other of the parties involved now if it is thus for both parties it will not be “Le affair” for long, it will become something legitimate after a while but if not so it means that the one partner is only using the other person for their own gain. There might be love there might not be. We all know that when you are in a marriage it’s not just something you can end and god-forbid should children be involved it’s even worse (but that is not the point of this piece) yet everything we do is a choice. More people are hurt in a relationship of this type than any other and studies have shown that most relationships where a partner is caught being unfaithful they express regret later about the loss of family or trust with their “legal” partner no matter the situation at home. We need to keep in mind two things about a relationship of this nature.
No one is a true victim between the married person or the mistress (male or female single as well or not) as this particular relationship is a choice unless you as the mistress have no clue that your partner is married if you do, it’s your choice.
If people who are married have not left their spouse while they have a “mistress” in let’s say 2years – seems reasonable – then it’s never going to happen (male friends I have, have pointedly told me this on this particular topic and women rarely leave a family if given a choice).
These things sound harsh and unfair and people will say you cannot help who you love and with that I both agree and disagree. Sometimes you do just hopelessly fall for someone but if you know that the choices they consciously make are having a negative impact on you then it’s time to wonder if they really love you as much as they say they do. I do not believe that some to whom your happiness is paramount would want to put you through the kind of pain an affair would cause you. Never being able to publicly say that this is the person I love is never good for the self image. And anyone asking you to maintain that façade while they continue to live their life is not someone in love but someone in lust, remember I said earlier its often about possession? Well sometimes for others its simply about having, and having and keeping something that you should not is the ultimate achievement for some types of people. They need to stake a claim, using manipulation to keep you in check by guilt and often fear. People to whom you are more a possession to use accusations, reproach, seek your sympathy and play on your emotions to get what they want. This is also a sign of a relationship of power.
Eg: “You look nice, whose attention are you trying to get?”
“Go ahead and do it, it just shows I’m not important to you.”
“Why would you want to go? Are you looking to get some from someone else?”
When they do this it shows their own insecurity and need for command. In my view someone who values and who loves you will voice their misgivings but leave the decision up to you whether or it’s something they want you to do or not or agree or not. As I see it, a healthy relationship with your chosen partner is friendship first, built on intense love and trust. Your partner, knowing you well enough, past mistakes included, should be the one to understand you as you truly are. That you are adult enough to make your own decisions and accept the consequences of your actions no matter what may happen that you will understand that you would have no one else to blame should you mess up but also that your relationship is so important to your that there is nothing you are going to do to jeopardize that.
Now in an affair what is good for him/her should be good for you. Since you are willing to share they should be willing to do the same, understanding that they have no say as you do not belong to one another in the sense of a good healthy honest-to-goodness relationship. If your partner in any way does not see it like this then in my view it is a relationship of possession. As someone who wants to be with you will find a way to make the relationship exclusive. Keep in mind ladies most men (sorry guys) all use the same lines.
Eg: “My wife/girlfriend doesn’t understand everything I do.”
“All we do is argue.”
“She doesn’t make time for me.”
And
“I can’t leave her now, it’s complicated.”
“I have to think about the kids.”
If the former were true he would have left a long time ago and if the latter were true he wouldn’t be cheating with you. The sad fact of the matter is any of the above lines should tell you one very important fact that no matter what is wrong at home, if anything, he still loves his wife/girlfriend and is trying to make the relationship work. And keeping you as a mistress means he gets to have his cake and eat it (bad pun I know but true).
Since we touched on a relationship of power we might as well get into it neck deep. Many people are in a relationship of this type without realising it but mostly we do not want to admit that a partner should not treat us a certain way. I simply mean this. If your partner makes you feel guilty about the choices you make without valid reason they are simply trying to have their way. If they give you, an or else ultimatum or an “If you do this I’m also going to do something you are not going to like” then they are trying to control you. Someone who knows you well should know what is important to you and what your values are (clearing my throat – yet they will take your past actions in your relationship into account so keep this in mind) and if you are loving and faithful then what reason is there for this type of behavior (this is where the adage comes into play “if they cheated with you, they will cheat on you). Insecurity can be a very unsettling trait, if you have done something to encourage this well then to an extent the behavior might be justified up to a point but not permanently. Eventually we all get over something but if it is not the case and it is truly just a personality trait a relationship with someone such as this will never be good and healthy there will always be questions accusations and unnecessary demands no matter what your do to prove your faithfulness.
Some might say another reason for this type of behavior is that the perceived unfaithfulness on your part is something that is in your partner, i.e. they might have cheated or it’s something they are capable of so they see these things about themselves in your behavior.
Then there are the relationships of convenience or the forever engaged. They amount to the same thing. The relationship is more comfortable to be in for different reasons but isn’t really headed anywhere. People are together because it’s financially comfortable, socially convenient or whatever the reason may be. Rarely this is the case for both partners but often only one person in the relationship feels this way. A relationship like this might display the following:
The couple when together spend quite a lot of time in a group and rarely have much quality one on one time.
Unnecessary arguments
Insecurity of one partner
Disconnection and low communication
(Once again this is solely my observation from relationships and research of my own I have done.)
Relationships are not supposed to be perfect and all sunshine and roses. Arguments are there to help develop and grow the relationship. In my view this is how we learn and establish our boundaries. They even help bind us closer together. Even a little bit of jealousy in a relationship goes a long way. When there is love and attraction in a relationship you are not going to want anyone looking at your chosen partner the way you do. So there is nothing wrong with this but it is the destructive argument that you want to avoid, accusatory arguments.
I have come to the discovery that a relationship based on friendship first, where you treat your partner as your bestfriend who you want to see happy, makes your foundation strong and well grounded. The ideal relationship is when you and your partner can sit one another down and say these are the reasons I don’t like this. But it is your decisions and they will trust you regardless because your relationship is built on honesty. The hardest part is learning not to judge your partner regardless of what they might say. If it is something that makes you uncomfortable or worries you but you can discuss any subject openly with your partner it opens levels of understanding that eliminate or for the very least minimizes mistrust. Another means of communication that reduces mistrust and infidelity is the sharing of fantasies (yes sexual fantasies) partners who are open about their wants and desires find it unnecessary to have a wandering libido. As somewhere between the combined fantasies there might be something you would both want to act on. When someone feels free to share this with a partner they would not go wandering because they would feel fulfilled in ways others might not be able to. Keeping any kind of spark alive is not easy or trying to understand your partners need and or wants even less so it all takes effort and work. If you not willing to put in these things then you should not be in that relationship.
But that’s just my opinion.
In truth every relationship starts of fun and “yummy”, why because all your trying to do is enjoy yourself and make sure your partner does to. And we lose sight of this as time goes by, we become bogged down by all the stupid things.
Another truth is go into any arrangement with your eyes wide open. Lay it out there, state what you want require and do not want straight at the beginning.
You cannot be faulted by anyone if you do this.
Say to your fwb I like you but not for more than what this is now, if you develop feeling beyond that it’s over, if I get bored it’s over.
Tell your girlfriend/boyfriend, I want adventure as much as possible exploration with sex and other things but I also want us time just for the fun things. Any form of fuckery and there will be no us.
Same goes for your spouse, on a regular basis discuss things lay it all out there. And there is nothing wrong with carrying on like love sick teenagers from time to time.
And yes I am aware I sound like a broken record. A relationship might be work but it does not have to be hard work. Also practice on working on a good healthy sweat it does wonders for the mind, body and soul, and please I am sure you can take a hint!A
Recently I had an interesting discussion with someone about how others ideas and reactions can influence ours. And let’s face it; the truth of the matter is it does. Sometimes we do this consciously and sometimes sub-consciously, everything we do is usually affected by our desire to please others or to fit into the mold we think we should fit into, i.e the persons we think others think we should be.
Often this forms in the choices of the types of work we choose, the cars we drive the people we choose to date and befriend. We chalk the choices we make up to the following reasons. We need to earn the good salary, wanting people to know we are successful. Wanting the happy family (or what appears to be the happy family), wanting to be able to be the top dog with bragging rights at any occasion (we want to compete against family, against friends) about our better partner, house, possessions and so on. In many ways we are all selfish and petty. If we take some time and think about it how often has a friend told you about their good fortune and instead of just been plain old honest-to-God happy for them, do we either find a reason to outdo their happy moment or bring them down in some way. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that we do this all the time and are incapable of genuine happiness on the behalf of others but truth be told is that the petty feelings do shine through more often than not. We more often than not conform and are not fully who we really are. Hiding behind different face to suit the situation on relationships and associations. Not treating people the way we really feel about them.
Have you ever bought new cloths and been very happy with the way you look and a sister or girlfriend shoots you down but when you look at yourself in the mirror you honestly do look good. But instead of questioning their motives we accept it as truth as why would anyone who cares about us want to put us down. The important thing that we don’t realize is that although someone might like us and or care for our well being it does not make them impervious to being jealous. And often people just want to posses or use you for their own reasons but it does not mean that they do care. Still others do not have much of a choice to have you in their lives so even if they don’t like you they will not come out and openly just not like you. No that is just not done, so they pretend, as a result the minute an opportunity arises to put you down in some way they jump on it like a dog in heat.
So let’s touch on important roles in our lives; Friendships and Relationships with a chosen partner.
I say these are important because these are the people you choose to have in your life so they are in essence the most important. For most women having a good friend especially a good girlfriend is like having another sister you actually don’t want to kill every other day. Now these relationships are important because these or this (depending on how many close girlfriends you have) are the people/person that will dry your eyes when a relationship fails (again) and assure that it was not your fault and the guy was a jackass even when they know you were not completely innocent. They serve the necessary purpose and role of boosting our ego when we need it and on occasion being painfully honest. But you will find that there are those girlfriends that tend to give the double edged compliment or the sarcastic reply when asked a question, I am not saying that it is always done with the intention to bring you down, sometimes it just does happen without them meaning to but most others, are plain downright malicious. A true friend will give their honest opinion without any hint of underlying malice. So listen carefully when your friends talk to you because maybe that malicious or sarcastic comment is not just part of their nature but the true green-eyed monster shining through. Someone who truly loves you, this goes not only just for friends but that special someone in your life, might not always agree with your views or way of doing things or even the choices you make but will stand by you none-the-less. They are the ones who you can tell your deepest darkest secrets and know that whether they are disappointed in you or not they will still love you and accept that it is your choice; your true friend, when that choice you made goes south, will sit beside you handing you tissues to dry your eyes and just being there silently lending you strength, they are the ones that will cheer you on, even when they didn't think your choice was right, and happily punch anyone in the face for telling you off about your choice no matter what they really think.
But those people with the glint in their eye, the sarcastic compliments, and malicious smile no matter the sweet and encouraging words out of their mouth are not your friends. They are the ones who you sadly need to keep at arm’s length. It is not something pleasant that we want to think about, that the people we care about might not actually care for us nearly as much but this is the unfortunate truth about being a human being.
Now for our significant other.
I have been doing research for some time now for a story, a comedy if you will, to some extent it is tragic and in others quite uplifting. While doing the research I received e-mails on relationship advice. These e-mails along with my research made me realise a number of things. Some things that are not always the most pleasant to think about yet once they surface in your mind you can never fully get rid of the thought. It gets stuck like the proverbial leach.
Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that it is never cut and dry. There are so much Grey in-between the black and white areas that you could never sort though it all. A relationship is a quagmire of wants, needs and expectation to be met and fulfilled. There is nothing wrong in this. We all have the right to have these things realized. But what we must first understand is that there are various types of relationships.
The traditional
girlfriend/boyfriend
fiancé
husband/wife
Boy meets girl, after some time of tribulation it advances to a diamond ring, and the most official of relationships… marriage. Right? Not always. These three are the most basic of the relationships and although traditional, not all there is.
Now relationships can be broken-down into many more complicated structures.
Friends with benefits (FwB)
The mistress (whether married or in a committed relationship)
What I like to call the “forever engaged”
The relationship of convenience
And the relationship of power.
There are others but these are the most common today from some of my own personal observations (my opinion and I am by no means a professional).
Each of these relationships has their own complications and often do become very difficult.
Most think that fwb is something very uncomplicated and relaxed get what you want and get out when you no longer want it. And it can work that way should neither of the parties involved develop feeling but often where there is physical attraction it can lead to emotional want. Also unless you can be sure you are your partner’s only “booty-call” that can be another kettle of fish of problems that you just do not want to deal with. If you’re lucky it will be a mutual emotional want but it doesn’t happen often. And unfortunately usually it’s the female that does the falling as a large number of women connect physical attraction to emotional want and this can confuse matters and make the situation awkward. Now ladies if you’ve agreed to a fwb arrangement you can do one or two thing should you develop feelings:
Say something to your benefit buddy or
Watch what he does
The first one is easiest, just tell him that you want more from the relationship than what is currently is and if he says no shake hands and work away as fast as you 6inch heels can carry you. Make sure your cloths stayed on during the entire conversation, as having to get dressed first prevents you from making a stylish exit. And why I say heels is because you want him to remember hot sex in heels walking away. Don’t beg or plead or become needy and clingy it won’t make him want more. It will have the opposite effect. And if he never calls you again (never accept an “I want you text” message, nothing less than a phone call will do) if he wants you badly enough a text will not be good enough for him.
Watching what he does is a bit more complicated, it means that you have to watch what he does with an unbiased eye. What it basically comes down to is- does he chase you. A text saying “how about tonight” just does not cut it. He has to want to hear from you. Texting or calling just to say “hi”. Does he make an effort to just drop by to see you. Does he do things that will make you laugh. As I said effort on his part denotes interest, real interest. If not, either say nothing if you just want to keep the sex going or as stated above kick you high heels into high gear and get to running. I don’t think there is a problem with a relationship of this type, a woman has the right to be exactly like a man but we still need to keep in mind that due to having a vagina we are the ones who get the bad rep not the guy. You are supposed to keep that locked down for the one special person (eye roll), only problem is that you meet a guy and he seems to be the one until he visits naughty island and turns into a jackass. I take it that the best thing to do in a situation like this is for the very least be smart about the fwb you choose. He should for the very least have integrity, meaning that you should be sure that he will never talk about it and he’ll be vague about the type of relationship the two of you had. And please for the love-of-all-things-sane no photo’s and videos that is beyond the dumbest thing you could ever do with any guy had hasn’t put a gold band on your finger.
So moving on…what happens if one of the people is a fwb in a relationship?
Enter the mistress, male or female it does not matter, this situation…is quite interesting, it could be seen as the more complicated adult version of friends with benefits. Sometimes this is just a physical attraction but usually I’m afraid this is a very emotional connection on the part of one or other of the parties involved now if it is thus for both parties it will not be “Le affair” for long, it will become something legitimate after a while but if not so it means that the one partner is only using the other person for their own gain. There might be love there might not be. We all know that when you are in a marriage it’s not just something you can end and god-forbid should children be involved it’s even worse (but that is not the point of this piece) yet everything we do is a choice. More people are hurt in a relationship of this type than any other and studies have shown that most relationships where a partner is caught being unfaithful they express regret later about the loss of family or trust with their “legal” partner no matter the situation at home. We need to keep in mind two things about a relationship of this nature.
No one is a true victim between the married person or the mistress (male or female single as well or not) as this particular relationship is a choice unless you as the mistress have no clue that your partner is married if you do, it’s your choice.
If people who are married have not left their spouse while they have a “mistress” in let’s say 2years – seems reasonable – then it’s never going to happen (male friends I have, have pointedly told me this on this particular topic and women rarely leave a family if given a choice).
These things sound harsh and unfair and people will say you cannot help who you love and with that I both agree and disagree. Sometimes you do just hopelessly fall for someone but if you know that the choices they consciously make are having a negative impact on you then it’s time to wonder if they really love you as much as they say they do. I do not believe that some to whom your happiness is paramount would want to put you through the kind of pain an affair would cause you. Never being able to publicly say that this is the person I love is never good for the self image. And anyone asking you to maintain that façade while they continue to live their life is not someone in love but someone in lust, remember I said earlier its often about possession? Well sometimes for others its simply about having, and having and keeping something that you should not is the ultimate achievement for some types of people. They need to stake a claim, using manipulation to keep you in check by guilt and often fear. People to whom you are more a possession to use accusations, reproach, seek your sympathy and play on your emotions to get what they want. This is also a sign of a relationship of power.
Eg: “You look nice, whose attention are you trying to get?”
“Go ahead and do it, it just shows I’m not important to you.”
“Why would you want to go? Are you looking to get some from someone else?”
When they do this it shows their own insecurity and need for command. In my view someone who values and who loves you will voice their misgivings but leave the decision up to you whether or it’s something they want you to do or not or agree or not. As I see it, a healthy relationship with your chosen partner is friendship first, built on intense love and trust. Your partner, knowing you well enough, past mistakes included, should be the one to understand you as you truly are. That you are adult enough to make your own decisions and accept the consequences of your actions no matter what may happen that you will understand that you would have no one else to blame should you mess up but also that your relationship is so important to your that there is nothing you are going to do to jeopardize that.
Now in an affair what is good for him/her should be good for you. Since you are willing to share they should be willing to do the same, understanding that they have no say as you do not belong to one another in the sense of a good healthy honest-to-goodness relationship. If your partner in any way does not see it like this then in my view it is a relationship of possession. As someone who wants to be with you will find a way to make the relationship exclusive. Keep in mind ladies most men (sorry guys) all use the same lines.
Eg: “My wife/girlfriend doesn’t understand everything I do.”
“All we do is argue.”
“She doesn’t make time for me.”
And
“I can’t leave her now, it’s complicated.”
“I have to think about the kids.”
If the former were true he would have left a long time ago and if the latter were true he wouldn’t be cheating with you. The sad fact of the matter is any of the above lines should tell you one very important fact that no matter what is wrong at home, if anything, he still loves his wife/girlfriend and is trying to make the relationship work. And keeping you as a mistress means he gets to have his cake and eat it (bad pun I know but true).
Since we touched on a relationship of power we might as well get into it neck deep. Many people are in a relationship of this type without realising it but mostly we do not want to admit that a partner should not treat us a certain way. I simply mean this. If your partner makes you feel guilty about the choices you make without valid reason they are simply trying to have their way. If they give you, an or else ultimatum or an “If you do this I’m also going to do something you are not going to like” then they are trying to control you. Someone who knows you well should know what is important to you and what your values are (clearing my throat – yet they will take your past actions in your relationship into account so keep this in mind) and if you are loving and faithful then what reason is there for this type of behavior (this is where the adage comes into play “if they cheated with you, they will cheat on you). Insecurity can be a very unsettling trait, if you have done something to encourage this well then to an extent the behavior might be justified up to a point but not permanently. Eventually we all get over something but if it is not the case and it is truly just a personality trait a relationship with someone such as this will never be good and healthy there will always be questions accusations and unnecessary demands no matter what your do to prove your faithfulness.
Some might say another reason for this type of behavior is that the perceived unfaithfulness on your part is something that is in your partner, i.e. they might have cheated or it’s something they are capable of so they see these things about themselves in your behavior.
Then there are the relationships of convenience or the forever engaged. They amount to the same thing. The relationship is more comfortable to be in for different reasons but isn’t really headed anywhere. People are together because it’s financially comfortable, socially convenient or whatever the reason may be. Rarely this is the case for both partners but often only one person in the relationship feels this way. A relationship like this might display the following:
The couple when together spend quite a lot of time in a group and rarely have much quality one on one time.
Unnecessary arguments
Insecurity of one partner
Disconnection and low communication
(Once again this is solely my observation from relationships and research of my own I have done.)
Relationships are not supposed to be perfect and all sunshine and roses. Arguments are there to help develop and grow the relationship. In my view this is how we learn and establish our boundaries. They even help bind us closer together. Even a little bit of jealousy in a relationship goes a long way. When there is love and attraction in a relationship you are not going to want anyone looking at your chosen partner the way you do. So there is nothing wrong with this but it is the destructive argument that you want to avoid, accusatory arguments.
I have come to the discovery that a relationship based on friendship first, where you treat your partner as your bestfriend who you want to see happy, makes your foundation strong and well grounded. The ideal relationship is when you and your partner can sit one another down and say these are the reasons I don’t like this. But it is your decisions and they will trust you regardless because your relationship is built on honesty. The hardest part is learning not to judge your partner regardless of what they might say. If it is something that makes you uncomfortable or worries you but you can discuss any subject openly with your partner it opens levels of understanding that eliminate or for the very least minimizes mistrust. Another means of communication that reduces mistrust and infidelity is the sharing of fantasies (yes sexual fantasies) partners who are open about their wants and desires find it unnecessary to have a wandering libido. As somewhere between the combined fantasies there might be something you would both want to act on. When someone feels free to share this with a partner they would not go wandering because they would feel fulfilled in ways others might not be able to. Keeping any kind of spark alive is not easy or trying to understand your partners need and or wants even less so it all takes effort and work. If you not willing to put in these things then you should not be in that relationship.
But that’s just my opinion.
In truth every relationship starts of fun and “yummy”, why because all your trying to do is enjoy yourself and make sure your partner does to. And we lose sight of this as time goes by, we become bogged down by all the stupid things.
Another truth is go into any arrangement with your eyes wide open. Lay it out there, state what you want require and do not want straight at the beginning.
You cannot be faulted by anyone if you do this.
Say to your fwb I like you but not for more than what this is now, if you develop feeling beyond that it’s over, if I get bored it’s over.
Tell your girlfriend/boyfriend, I want adventure as much as possible exploration with sex and other things but I also want us time just for the fun things. Any form of fuckery and there will be no us.
Same goes for your spouse, on a regular basis discuss things lay it all out there. And there is nothing wrong with carrying on like love sick teenagers from time to time.
And yes I am aware I sound like a broken record. A relationship might be work but it does not have to be hard work. Also practice on working on a good healthy sweat it does wonders for the mind, body and soul, and please I am sure you can take a hint!A
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