On most social networks people enjoy posting,
"Movies create the illusion of what love should be like for women and porn creates the delusion for men what sex should be like."
(or some such nonsense)
Some will agree or disagree for various reasons, most often the the agreement will be because of the literal view.
Well I agree with the former and disagree with the latter.
Yes you heard me!
The Romantic Comedy
For me these films do represent what love could be, if only people would see the truth and potential these films provide. If we look carefully these flicks are not about perfect relationships but instead, trials, heartbreak and the possibility of something beautiful. It is unfortunate this is not seen.
Movie examples:
- The Story of Us
- PS I Love You
- The Vow
- FireProof
- Why Did I Get Married
- I Think I Love My Wife
- The Break-up
- Nights in Rodanthe
- Temptations Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Something that we all forget is that we are all imperfect, we all have a past and we all have emotional baggage that is not always possible to simply forget or put behind us. In some way we are all broken, and it's not exactly about putting the pieces back together in the right way. It is more about understanding why we broke in the first place and coming to terms with the fact that sometimes the pieces wont fit together perfectly ever again but that doesn't mean that we have to be bitter, or broken.
A very large number of people both men and women are being or have been affected by past relationships or events that have come to pass in their lives. Yet this does not mean that everyone that is emotionally stunted or scared have been victims of physical, mental or emotional abuse. Simple neglect can cause many deep scares as well. These scares might not necessarily mean they, themselves, have been hurt. Children can become emotionally withdrawn by watching their parents ignore one another or by seeing the attempts of one parent to connect with the other continually evaded either purposefully or without their realizing, and this "education" they receive is carried into adulthood. True this might not always have the negative effect we anticipate, some of these children realise what they need to do that is important to maintain a healthy relationship but most often these children turn into the adult who holds everyone at arms length. This is the unfortunate truth, we scare our children, through emotional distance with our partner and broken homes and many other things. Many of these actions taken because we want to do what's best for ourselves without seeing the damage we cause to those close to us.
If we look at the film examples I've given above, these are examples of couples who have been together for a number of years either living together or married and some are even "damaged" in some ways. These are couples who are tempted to cheat, some give in and have to live with the consequences of their choice as often they discover their choices were the wrong ones. We see partner neglect, sometimes purposeful, and other times unconscious; as we see them comfortable in their lives and forgetful of their partners needs.
There are many reasons we become distanced from our partners:
- Work obligations
- Family obligations
- Comfort zones
- Non-communication.
The fact that we won't admit that we are wrong causes irreparable damage and there are many people who would rather live with the consequences of a decision than admit they are wrong. Rather a fool that is right, than a fool who is wrong.
In the films "Fireproof", "The Breakup", and " Temptations", partner neglect and comfort zones of one partner is very prevalent. One partner, the male, in this case has become very comfortable that their partner will always be there to take care of things and either openly and consciously ignores open pleas for help or attention and or has become blinded to it because they are comfortable in their way of life thereby making their partner feel neglected and unappreciated. The result is sometimes infidelity if the appropriate or the desired attention and help is obtained or shown by a third party and even if this does not occur it is often that what still follows is a damaging, and in some cases ugly breakup, punctuated by even worse shouting matches and recriminations.
"Fireproof" is a good example, even if one chooses to ignore the spiritual message, of one such person receiving good constructive advice from someone who cares.
The unfortunate thing, and we see it often in restaurants these days, is that technology has take the place of good conversation. How often have you seen people, or a couple at the table but one if not both aren't talking, let-alone looking at one another because they're to busy on their phones web surfing or chatting to someone else. Our technology awakened state has opened us to "unhealthy" additions, that takes away essential time away from our significant other and we don't realise that these actions makes our partner feel neglected and inadequate.
The wonderful Tiler Perry film "Why did I get Married" is a bit more complicated because of the number of couples and the diverse problems each couple experiences including the complete break down of a relationship due to infidelity and not only neglect but total disrespect and disregard for ones partner. This particular film illustrates that no two couples are the same and what works for one will not necessarily work for the other. Some problems are more complex than others, both emotionally and mentally and each couple has to find their own way of doing things but the important message remains universal; respectful communication is important, even if it is easier to try and emotionally wound our partner.
Who of course does not enjoy a tearjerker, so called because of the deep emotions they stir because we can sympathize with the character in question or we wish to be or wish not to be in the positions they find themselves in. "The Vow", which is based on a true story, and "PS I Love You" are what most men would say are ridiculous ideas of love. As who in their right mind would keep pursuing someone who as forgotten that they ever met you not to mention that you shared any kind of love. Never mind encouraging someone to continue in a life that does not include you and could possibly lead to the arms of someone else.
A very large number of women, myself included, would not want to see their partner with someone else dead or not. That's after all how we as humans are built.
Yet, it is that unconditional, deep, earth-shattering love that we all dream of that evokes the longings within us to be better people for our partners that is what moves us to tears in these films.
Then of course "Nights in Rodanthe" is finding love with someone even though you're a little broke.
What is my point you ask?
The point I am trying to illustrate is that these films tend to show us the faults in our own relationships if we would be brave enough to actually see them.
"Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.
If you have ever heard this from your partner at any point during your relationship, and you haven't changed anything about your actions, then you don't realise the damage you do to your relationship or the person who is with you. And if your partner hasn't left you (yet), then they are worth having in your life but it is very clear that you do not deserve them. Because it is not that your partner hasn't said that they need to know you care and appreciate them, as it is something anyone would want, but it's that you haven't listened to what they have to say or really seen their eyes when you disappoint them by making less effort because they're the ones doing everything.
For movies like this, an important hint, if anything looks or sounds familiar or similar to you in ANYway then you need to really start paying attention because it means that your relationship could be in trouble and many solutions could be found to your problems in these films.
These films teach us to value our partner, to do things for our partner especially if they would happily return the favour. A relationship, any relationship, is not about you or what you need, it is about the needs of others. It is about making those who are important to you happy, making them feel loved, wanted, appreciated and valued; all these things mean different things to different people and often take some work but if you understand this concept you will be happy. How? because if you are loving and living, doing things for the well being of others especially your partner, chances are, your partner will be returning the favour ten fold. Resulting in your happiness and contentment.
"Gary:It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!"
(from The Break Up)
Don't get me wrong, it is healthy to have interests outside your relationship, hobbies, sports and whatever else floats your boat (not affairs of course, unless you and your partner are into that kind of thing of course), we all need a bit of "me" time but not me time at the expense of your relationship. Balance is key.
Now for the second part of my argument,
Now any woman out there will agree that 90% of porn movies are REALLY bad, why? cause they have NO DAMN PLOT! How realistic is it to come across a stranger and two seconds later you're going at one another, okay scratch that, for those of us who aren't INTO total random sex it's totally stupid. Besides that women only have breasts like that!in porn films, CAUSE they have had them put ON their bodies by DOCTORS, not God.
But that said, why can't life be an erotic adventure? And you don't have to be single or a total slut (male or female: and this is not said in a derogatory manner at all) to be sexually adventurous.
There are a large number of things that can be done in the comfort and trust of a long-term relationship and or marriage. Neither does it have to be sleazy (unless that's what you want).
There are role-playing games that are both fun and sexy, bondage, erotic massage, in fact there are a variety of ways of spicing up your love life. It just depends on how adventurous you and your partner are and what you are comfortable with. And this is important, you cannot do anything your partner is not fully comfortable with. That said you might find out that something you thought you wouldn't like is actually what you do want.
Consenting adults people that's the main thing!
The easiest thing, as most counselors would tell you, is discussing your fantasies with your partner. This alone might be all you need and you might find that you and your partner have the same ideas, what could be better than that!
All relationships need the following in my opinion:
Everyone, especially women, not only need to feel loved but WANTED. The only way to do that is through intimacy. Looks, touches, kisses, particularly passionate kisses. Send here that damn expensive bouquet of flowers for goodness sake, it won't kill you! And ladies send your guy that sexy/sweet photo or text, no one said you have to be naked or sleazy!
Discussing with your partner your wants and needs are essential!!!
As said in The Vow
"Leo: I need to make my wife fall in love with me again."
That one line is what it is ALL about, getting your partner to fall in love with you, if not everyday, as often ad heavenly possible.
Why would you want to fall into the category of "knowing what you've lost once it's gone"?
And yes anything worth having is hard won or not easily come by, but love and a good healthy loving relationship does not have to be torturous or constant blood sweat and tears. Go ahead and have the argument, the discussion, the disagreement; it's good for you, do what is required of you; you need to. But make the relationship, as loving, romantic and fun as you can.
Richard Cooper: Life is about choice. We are the sum of our choices. And most of them are made for us. You can't choose when you're born. You can't choose where you are born. You can't choose your family. You can't even choose who you love. But you can choose how you love.
(from I Think I Love My Wife)
So love well and love long, its one of the things that make this life we live worth living.
Who of course does not enjoy a tearjerker, so called because of the deep emotions they stir because we can sympathize with the character in question or we wish to be or wish not to be in the positions they find themselves in. "The Vow", which is based on a true story, and "PS I Love You" are what most men would say are ridiculous ideas of love. As who in their right mind would keep pursuing someone who as forgotten that they ever met you not to mention that you shared any kind of love. Never mind encouraging someone to continue in a life that does not include you and could possibly lead to the arms of someone else.
A very large number of women, myself included, would not want to see their partner with someone else dead or not. That's after all how we as humans are built.
Yet, it is that unconditional, deep, earth-shattering love that we all dream of that evokes the longings within us to be better people for our partners that is what moves us to tears in these films.
Then of course "Nights in Rodanthe" is finding love with someone even though you're a little broke.
What is my point you ask?
The point I am trying to illustrate is that these films tend to show us the faults in our own relationships if we would be brave enough to actually see them.
"Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.
Gary: Why didn't you just say that to me"
Brooke: I tried. I've tried.
Gary: Never like that, you might have said some things that meant to imply that, but I'm not a mind reader...
Brooke: It wouldn't matter you are who you are. Just leave me alone ok? Right now, just shut my door."
(from the Break UP)
For movies like this, an important hint, if anything looks or sounds familiar or similar to you in ANYway then you need to really start paying attention because it means that your relationship could be in trouble and many solutions could be found to your problems in these films.
These films teach us to value our partner, to do things for our partner especially if they would happily return the favour. A relationship, any relationship, is not about you or what you need, it is about the needs of others. It is about making those who are important to you happy, making them feel loved, wanted, appreciated and valued; all these things mean different things to different people and often take some work but if you understand this concept you will be happy. How? because if you are loving and living, doing things for the well being of others especially your partner, chances are, your partner will be returning the favour ten fold. Resulting in your happiness and contentment.
"Gary:It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!"
(from The Break Up)
Don't get me wrong, it is healthy to have interests outside your relationship, hobbies, sports and whatever else floats your boat (not affairs of course, unless you and your partner are into that kind of thing of course), we all need a bit of "me" time but not me time at the expense of your relationship. Balance is key.
Now for the second part of my argument,
Porn
There's a statement that I love: "If you're watching porn with your girl and she blushes then she truly innocent but if she smiles, it means that she can do better".Now any woman out there will agree that 90% of porn movies are REALLY bad, why? cause they have NO DAMN PLOT! How realistic is it to come across a stranger and two seconds later you're going at one another, okay scratch that, for those of us who aren't INTO total random sex it's totally stupid. Besides that women only have breasts like that!in porn films, CAUSE they have had them put ON their bodies by DOCTORS, not God.
But that said, why can't life be an erotic adventure? And you don't have to be single or a total slut (male or female: and this is not said in a derogatory manner at all) to be sexually adventurous.There are a large number of things that can be done in the comfort and trust of a long-term relationship and or marriage. Neither does it have to be sleazy (unless that's what you want).
There are role-playing games that are both fun and sexy, bondage, erotic massage, in fact there are a variety of ways of spicing up your love life. It just depends on how adventurous you and your partner are and what you are comfortable with. And this is important, you cannot do anything your partner is not fully comfortable with. That said you might find out that something you thought you wouldn't like is actually what you do want.
Consenting adults people that's the main thing!
The easiest thing, as most counselors would tell you, is discussing your fantasies with your partner. This alone might be all you need and you might find that you and your partner have the same ideas, what could be better than that!
All relationships need the following in my opinion:
- Lots of love
- Respect
- Communication ( about everything)
- Romance
- and Great Sex
Everyone, especially women, not only need to feel loved but WANTED. The only way to do that is through intimacy. Looks, touches, kisses, particularly passionate kisses. Send here that damn expensive bouquet of flowers for goodness sake, it won't kill you! And ladies send your guy that sexy/sweet photo or text, no one said you have to be naked or sleazy!
Discussing with your partner your wants and needs are essential!!!
As said in The Vow
"Leo: I need to make my wife fall in love with me again."
That one line is what it is ALL about, getting your partner to fall in love with you, if not everyday, as often ad heavenly possible.
Why would you want to fall into the category of "knowing what you've lost once it's gone"?
And yes anything worth having is hard won or not easily come by, but love and a good healthy loving relationship does not have to be torturous or constant blood sweat and tears. Go ahead and have the argument, the discussion, the disagreement; it's good for you, do what is required of you; you need to. But make the relationship, as loving, romantic and fun as you can.
Richard Cooper: Life is about choice. We are the sum of our choices. And most of them are made for us. You can't choose when you're born. You can't choose where you are born. You can't choose your family. You can't even choose who you love. But you can choose how you love.
(from I Think I Love My Wife)
So love well and love long, its one of the things that make this life we live worth living.
No comments:
Post a Comment